Over the past three months I’ve really been in a state of hibernation, which has been part of a bigger hiding away over the last three years, well maybe more like five years. Three years ago I had what is known as a spiritual awakening or a kundalini awakening. This is incredibly phenomenal event that is rare but is becoming increasingly common here. Well, it’s one of the most extreme events that can happen to a human being.
It creates a huge and phenomenal amount of changes, which, in turn really shake up someone’s life. It makes them to see the world in a different expanded way, process the world in a different way, but also have a greater sense of compassion and a push to be of service to others.
Effectively, in certain souls when they have reached a certain state of maturity, or they have been spiritually seeking, (or sometimes it happens randomly or through traumatic events) – they will experience a spiritual awakening. What this is, is the conscious of the person (Alex – me, in my case) merges with higher planes and beings and the Divine. Call that God, call that Source. Call that whatever.
We live in such a spiritually void materialistic physical-centric culture that all of that sounds a bit hocus-pocus and like mad raving. But if you ever genuinely experience this, maybe in this lifetime, maybe in a future lifetime, this is something that would really shake any cynicism to its core.
In my case it was a combination of extreme seeking, extreme loneliness and pretty desperately traumatic and distressing circumstances that led to basically the cracking of my psyche. In that time there was a very rapid and abrupt expansion. The experience basically short-circuited my body, emotional body and all the nervous system of me and put me in a very fragile place. This is very common among those who experience awakenings, especially those of an abrupt nature.
There was extreme bliss, liberation and expansion but an extreme loss of the previous self and reference points. There were experiences of extreme love, extreme fear, extreme creativity and imagination, just huge amounts of emotion pouring out of me and a real battle and struggle to just get through the day, especially in the early stages. There was enormous grief from just seeing the huge amount of suffering on this planet and human struggle – I’m still just incredibly moved by what people go through on a daily basis. (And kind of irritated that people reproduce and inflict themselves on their children, but that’s my personal opinion of being a gay man, and the God-force has a different greater plan for others)
If you see the worlds beyond this one, and what’s possible and the descent from grace, you recognise this planet as a really tough old place. It’s a real struggle-ground. And in many ways, the reason I’m still here and chose to be here is to help relieve that suffering and help create more love, more awareness and consciousness and help others on their journeys.
That will likely come in different ways when my energy wants to move outwards, rather than healing inwardly. It may come through my writing or some artistic bent. There may be some healing abilities that come through. There may be some kind of projects that I’ll lead. Or they may be all kinds of gifts and skills that could be given to me with the aim of supporting others. Gifts and skills can come and go spontaneously as required by circumstances. Even if I lived in a cave for the next 50 years, that would be perfectly OK and my energy would be supporting this planet for the macro, large-scale shifts that are taking place.
In the meantime I’m undergoing a process of deep healing and integration and shifting old emotions. There is a purification and refinement of the body, of the emotional body, of my nervous system and release of trauma that is stuck in the cells. What this requires is vast amounts of quiet alone time, time in nature, a nutritious diet, time away from vexatious people and places, and a sort of hermitage. I also am working with a teacher and healer who is shifting the toughest densest stuff – that comes from just being such a sensitive soul on this planet.
The most important thing is to say, this doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else. It’s not that I’m enlightened and other people are not. It’s just that I vibrate in a different way to other people and have different aims and goals that come from operating from an expanded reality. I’m in touch with energies, spirits and unspoken emotions, I can communicate with land, trees, buildings, collective energy grids, and the elements within someone’s body or psyche. At times, I’ve had interactions with angels and Gods or deities. These things are real and exist. But it’s best not to talk too much about them as it either blows people’s minds, creates fear, or gets ridiculed. With that ability and awareness of the struggle and friction of just existing, comes deep frustration, and the desire to harmonise things where possible and appropriate.
To other people that might not sound like fun. I sound probably a bit depressed and morose about it. In a way I am. It’s hard to fully relate to others once you have this depth of vision. When I do find others who have similar experiences, I’ll probably need to grieve and cry for days with relief. Often I kind of wish this experience hadn’t happened to me and wish I were more normal, but the genie is out the bottle now and you have to work with whatever is in front of you. And to be honest I was never meant to have a normal human life. But on the other hand I often have experiences of deep love, deep bliss, deep light and experiences of the transcendental. You know, going beyond this plane and all the worldly fears, desires, stresses etc. I’m guided by the forces and hands which made this world – and am pulled towards where I’m needed or where I can be of service. That is some of the most meaningful and rewarding work that’s possible.
There’s a kind of deep bittersweetness amount everything, about seeing its transience, its smallness, its beauty, shape and form, but also the meaningless and meaning of it. That in turn creates a huge and deepening jumbling of emotions. Different parts of you feel different things at the same time. The world is not black and white, good and bad. It’s more like a mix of musical chords, with several notes playing at once. You see things through the lens of “what does this person need” and “how do I unpick and resolve the moving cogs of this issue”. There is the old personal self of Alex and his world and prejudices and irritations, but a more dominant Divine energy that is using the vehicle of Alex, me, as a vessel for whatever it wants to bring forward here. Increasingly there is an intertwinement of the two.
Other people project things on to me too. They sometimes experience deep fear as you can see right through them and bring the darker elements of them to light, merely by existing. Others, especially those more aware souls look to you and are receptive to your energy as a sort of guide. I just have to align myself with where the great universe wants me to be, and let whatever wants to come through, come through.
Having had an awakening, it’s a huge survival disadvantage for being in this culture, especially during the early fragile stages. Many of those shifts can look like mental illnesses – psychosis, schizophrenia, bipolar, multiple personality disorder and a whole other bunch of pathologies and maladies. What the medical and psychiatric profession doesn’t often see is that an awakening often has the same symptoms as these things, but is a very good thing, it’s the expansion of the soul beyond this culture and it’s neurosies and cultural entrapments. But because this culture and these institutions are so dense, they can’t believe in anything that supercedes or goes beyond their framework of reference and training. It’s important that the awakening person avoids contact with these people and places in the early stages. I was really fortunate to be supported and somewhat understood by family during those very messy stages.
Our present day culture doesn’t really make time or space for the contemplatives, the mystics, the curious or the beings of being. It’s very human-centric, ego-centric and focused on achievement and ownership of things often through dominating and taking the power of others. That’s just the nature of the collective state of humanity at present. But what keeps the awakened person safe is the quality of their energy and information that guides them towards fulfilling their basic needs and being of service to others. Once you’re in touch with that energy, even in an unawakened state, if you’re working with this creative, supporting, loving principle, it feeds and propels you towards scenarios and gives you assistance in whatever you really need.
My healing process will probably need to continue for a fair few months at this intensity of hibernation and maybe a fair few years at a lesser intensity, before I can fully be in this world and dedicate myself to higher external purposes. It’s a bit like a rewiring project on an old house. In order to handle modern and futuristic appliances and machinery, there needs to be a wholescale upgrade and shift and letting go of the old rusty scrappy wires.
This is a very short explanation of my process and what’s going on. Other people have smoother and easy awakenings, some have more wretched and violent ones which become deeply overwhelming and intolerable. It’s tough to be on this planet, and it’s tough to be aware that this is a tough planet. But we’re here for a reason and by the time I leave here, I’ll have done my best to support it and the other inhabitants.