The Nut Preservation Society

“I really fancy some nuts” he said, flailing around the kitchen. He opened and closed various cupboards before staring into the mess.

“Nutmeg? No that won’t do”

“Walnuts, got those from Spain – they’re about 50 years old. No won’t touch them.”

“Oh look hazelnuts”

He turned the packet over to reveal the use-by date was 2011.

“Oh they’ve gone.” And instead of throwing them in the bin, he put them back in the cupboard.

Meanwhile in China the squirrel was a holy revered creature of the chinese ecosystem. It was admired for it’s ability to stash through good times and survive tough winters.

Now a new fad had arisen catering for China’s new zillionaires. Following the real-estate boom, many Chinese businessmen and women had become rich beyond their wildest dreams.

However they were now cursed with wealth. Racked with fear, the fear of loss, the fear of poverty and the shame of being caught out – they hoarded. Officials were looking into claims of corruption and bribery of local mayors. It was time to hide the wealth and play it modest before the investigators caught up.

London property – that had been done.

Manhattan property – that had been done.

English football clubs – that was nearly done. And there was a good chance you’d be caught.

Gold bullion – very heavy and not much upside.

Bitcoin – well, that could be stolen in seconds and transactions were becoming traceable.

It was in this all-consuming melee of fear and greed that Mr. Ling was able to create a thriving black market for ancient nuts.

In his hyper-secure facility in the Siberian wilderness, were bunkers and bunkers full of ancient valuable nuts. These rare vintage nuts could always fetch a steep price on the international nut auction market – or so he told his clients.

Of course it was a good investment. “You’d be nutty nut to” he joked.

The clients and money flowed in in torrents. Mr Ling was importing rare cashews, walnuts, chestnuts, brazils, peanuts from all around the world. They would then be stashed in nets and cages and sent down in the elevator shaft to be stashed away.

5 years later adverts were appearing on TV in the Western world – “Cash for nuts!” they exclaimed. Many people were rediscovering forgotten nuts at the back of their kitchen cupboards. They’d send them off in envelopes and get cheques that they’d blow on bingo, the pub and trips to “Lanzarotty”.

It was at this point the ancient wisdom of Dad had paid off.

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