The ugly side of perfectionism

I dread writing this post because I don’t know what will come out, and I’m afraid of what I’ll write about myself. But I’m just going to go for it.

In fact this is actually a very advanced element of perfectionism. I’m trying to say “I’m imperfect and that’s OK and normal”. When actually I’m just saying the words and don’t really mean it at all.

Actually this is a just an attempt at trying to be liked.

I bond well with people. I get to know people very quickly. I see things, I feel their energy, get under their skin and have an intuitive sense of who they are and what they need.

My problem is I don’t trust myself, the universe, anyone else. No that’s a lie. If I didn’t trust anyone, or myself, or the universe I’d have killed myself on many previous occasions.

But I pull people close very quickly. And push them away just as quickly. What I like is people in a sweet-spot range. Close enough to be friendly with and somewhat intimate. But not too close that I’m obligated to do things with them or be too responsible for them.

I think it’s just a cynicism. Cynacism of love, relationships, happiness. I feel intimidated by all those things and would much rather be sulking around alone, than actually dare to open up to people 1-on-1.

What it feels like deep down, is like I’m damaged goods. And like everyone has been out to get me. Like being chased. Writing that, I know that sounds loopy and stupid. But it’s true.

I’ve self-sabotaged a lot. I’ve not taken opportunities. I’ve shunned good interesting work opportunities, and friendships. I’ve broken many boys’ hearts.

I think it’s like I don’t trust things or people if it all comes too easily. Love that’s unconditional feels unsafe. And if I enjoyed a job then WOAH I’d have to commit to it to a few years and then lose out an all kinds of new and varied experiences.

So I keep hermited and have sporadic contact with the outside world via Whatsapp, phone calls, and Facebook.

And I write. I’m embarassed and a bit ashamed of it sometimes. But I have to do it because being face-to-face or on the phone with someone limits what I can say or express. I’m influenced by that energy and restrict myself to what I feel that person can hear.

So anyway, I’m a perfectionist hermit at the moment. But that’s OK. I own it. And in time, once I feel more secure in myself that will change.

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