Posh English schools are probably the most oppressive places in the world. Second, maybe, to North Korea.
Here, Mrs Winstanley gives her view on good parenting.
Hello. Henrietta Winstanley here, headmistress of St Truffle’s school for boys.
Since our establishment in 1602, we have been providing an education of distinction to the most privileged boys in our area.
Here, I’m going to give you some pointers about parenting, for those with standards.
1. Let them go. Don’t listen to their whimpering, whining or snivelling. When most of the 5 year olds arrive they usually cry and say “it’s like a prison”. Take none of that nonsense. The best thing you can give your brats is damn good discipline from an early age.
2. Let them fight. In Rome’s coliseums their gladiators would fight the lions. Sadly we’re not permitted such activities since the unfortunate incident with Timothy Baker. We stick to cricket now. Your boy will return from St Truffles as a mighty fine competitive urchin.
3. Keep them away from girls. One does not maintain such high examination results by dilly-dallying with members of the opposite sex. When they reach puberty, you must ensure they refrain from such daft pursuits and heaven forbid, any Godless debauchery!
4. Get them to a good university. Oxbridge simply adore the boys we send their way. Your boy will become a shining specimen of a man that recruiters in the City and Civil Service clamour for. You can rest assured your grandchildren will be fortunate enough to be sent to St Truffle’s too.
5. Let them make friends themselves. My favourite book is Lord of The Flies. Young boys are perfectly capable of looking after themselves on a desert island. Some might not survive, but Darwinism in action is what makes strong men and a strong society.
6. Beat the strange ones until they know what’s good for them. Occasionally we have a delusional oddball who won’t join the others. Usually the other boys see to that. However, sometimes the cane must be administered. Disobedience is simply not tolerated at our institution of excellence.
7. Don’t listen to their stories. Some boys are so desperate to avoid hard work, that they claim some of our senior male teachers buggered them. I’ve heard that one too many times. It’s the new “dog ate my homework” excuse. If your boy comes back with such stories, remember they’re trying to get one over on you.
We look forward to seeing your boy in the new term.